An Inaugural Poop
In the course of renovating my home, I decided to add a bathroom. This would entail, of course, adding a new, virgin toilet. I remember gingerly unpackaging my new throne and wiping the dust from its cardboard insulation with a silk cloth. After a few moments, my eyes narrowed and a creepy grin crept up on the right corner of my mouth. I muttered a foreboding prediction, "Oh, the things I'm going to do to you."
Having finished the tile work, I installed the new toilet and took a moment of pride at the accomplishment - as this was my first real home improvement project. Just then, a few of the Quicktrip Taqitos I'd consumed for breakfast started arguing with Mr. Jack Daniels. Though I'd enjoyed his presence the night before, I wasn't expecting him to be around this next morning. I never would have invited my Mexican friends over if I knew that redneck would still be around. So, as a true
I had to forgo the pomp and celebration I had planned for the inaugural poop, but as with all poops, initial pain is almost always followed by tumultuous relief. It was then that I realized that I was the only human who had ever desecrated this toilet. In fact, it was a toilet that I installed. The pride and excitement at realizing this moment nearly caused me to injure myself, the resulting, prolonged grunt resembling that of an Ogre being run through with a large spear.
I'd never been so proud.