Where I Pooped Today

An Inaugural Poop

In the course of renovating my home, I decided to add a bathroom. This would entail, of course, adding a new, virgin toilet. I remember gingerly unpackaging my new throne and wiping the dust from its cardboard insulation with a silk cloth. After a few moments, my eyes narrowed and a creepy grin crept up on the right corner of my mouth. I muttered a foreboding prediction, "Oh, the things I'm going to do to you."

Having finished the tile work, I installed the new toilet and took a moment of pride at the accomplishment - as this was my first real home improvement project. Just then, a few of the Quicktrip Taqitos I'd consumed for breakfast started arguing with Mr. Jack Daniels. Though I'd enjoyed his presence the night before, I wasn't expecting him to be around this next morning. I never would have invited my Mexican friends over if I knew that redneck would still be around. So, as a true Kentucky hick, Mr. Daniels started arguing with the Mexicans somewhere near the end of my large intestine. After about 20 minutes, the Mexicans had endured enough and decided to leave...in a hurry.

I had to forgo the pomp and celebration I had planned for the inaugural poop, but as with all poops, initial pain is almost always followed by tumultuous relief. It was then that I realized that I was the only human who had ever desecrated this toilet. In fact, it was a toilet that I installed. The pride and excitement at realizing this moment nearly caused me to injure myself, the resulting, prolonged grunt resembling that of an Ogre being run through with a large spear.

I'd never been so proud.

posted by Blue Towel @ 3:18 PM