Where I Pooped Today

The Exposed Poop

Submitted by: Grizzlybare

There is one situation that can cause even the mightiest of men to shy away from releasing the foulness and not allow them to experience the relief and joy of pooping… The Exposed Poop! These are the times when a patron is lucky enough to find a bathroom stall or entire bathroom without doors. It’s almost like winning a free neck-slitting.

On several occasions I have had the pleasure, nay - the honor of partaking in this very special event in a young man’s life. The first was several years ago while enjoying a typical night of boozing and playing shuffle board with my friends at “Boar’s Head” in Athens, GA. Unfortunately, I had violated one of my two primary rules of boozing and barhopping.

Rule number one: don’t eat an exorbitant amount of food before going out. No one likes to see an already bloated idiot, forcing down beer in the hopes that the alcohol-to-food ratio will tip in his favor and bring on asphyxiation of the brain cells. And by no one I mean my girlfriend (now wife).

Rule number two (pun intended): don’t eat foods that tend to treat one’s stomach to the kind of fun that a cornered wombat would show a nervous college student pretending to be animal control. Of course, these foods tend to be my favorite.

Well, it wasn’t long before the urge hit. Being of sound mind and my sense of self-shame dulled by the beer I had consumed already, I headed to the bathroom. Upon entering the bathroom, I thought, “Wow, this is a nice bathroom. The sit-downs must be around that corner. That’s nice that they separate them.” No no no. Upon approaching the “corner”, I found that the hallway I was headed to WAS the stall. NO DOOR! Well, at least it had side walls, right? Wrong. Apparently it was not enough for the owner to remove the door, but now it seemed as if he/she had installed walls so narrow that the urinal dividers were becoming bulimic out of envy. At least my exposed knees might act as a beacon, I thought, warning others that there was trouble if they came too close. Almost like a snake’s rattler, except whiter and hairier.

I have always prided myself on being the fastest poop in the east and my skills did not let me down on that night. I pretended to pee standing up until the bathroom was empty. And then, in a move that would make the Flash envious, I expelled the waste. And, with such skilled “craptitude”, that I could almost hear cheers as I yanked my pants up and returned to my shuffle board game, a new man.

posted by Blue Towel @ 3:50 PM