Where I Pooped Today

Tron Poop

Submitted by Mierda:

For some reason I thought I'd die with this story. Partly because I'm
not a huge fan of bathroom humor, partly because this particular poop
might be considered "environmentally irresponsible" ...but mostly
because my fiance was a mere 30 feet when it happened. I'd hate to
think that a poop story might harm a future marriage, but in the name
of science, I will tell the true story.

Last week, my fiance and I were recently vacationing in the island of
Vieques off the coast of Puerto Rico. It's an island mostly known for
the United States military's controversial habit of practice-bombing
the inhabited island - occasionally blowing up a local who was unlucky
enough to wandering in "protected" areas. Instead of handing over the
complete island to drooling developers, the U.S. converted most of the
island to wildlife refuge.

One little known aspect of Vieques is it's bio-lumniscient bay. You can
take a guided kayak trip out to experience it. See, there's these tiny
things called dynoflagellates, that light up when they are disturbed.
In Vieques's bay, there are 750,000 per gallon of water. So when you
dip your hand into the bay, it's like your own personal acid-trip. The
dynoflagellates light up instantly as if you had broken open a glow
stick in the water. Jump in the water and every limb of your body is
surrounded by the glow of billions of microscopic organisms
(http://www.biobay.com/cd/webhtml/CDcover.JPG). All of a sudden you are
Jeff Bridges from Tron (http://www.internationalhero.co.uk/t/tron.jpg)

As we hopped into our Kayaks and started to paddle our way to shore, I felt
something truly evil brewing in my digestive tract, most probably the
result of some particularly nasty native Puerto Rican food. I knew waiting
until we reached shore would be a serious health risk. So I paddled a
distance away from my group and hopped in the water. This would have been
a slight bit more subtle if my body hadn't ignited in bluish-green glow
once I was in the water - but at this point, I didn't care. The others
were safely out of the water in their kayaks. No harm could come to
them. So, I released.

I guess I hadn't pooped in the ocean since I was probably seven, so I
wasn't prepared with how great of a feeling it was. I happened so
effortlessly. What surprised me initially was the velocity which the poop
exited my body... what shocked me was the imagery which will be
forever locked in my mind... the sight of a glowing fecal torpedo
gently floating away from me. The next act of surrealism was the grand
finale. There seemed to be some sort of small explosion. Three streams
of glowing laser-like lines suddenly appeared from the poop and shot
off in different directions, as if the poop was set to detonate.
Apparently, I had startled a few fish who swam off leaving a small but
impressive fireworks display from my poop. It was beautiful in a very
bizarre but fascinating way.

I apologize to the people of Vieques, and the billions of
dynoflagellates whom I may have harmed in the process... but then
again, it makes a great poop story.

posted by Blue Towel @ 10:07 AM